'I love my partner but her three daughters can be so demanding'

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my early 50s and have been seeing a woman I really love for a couple of years. She’s the same age and we both have grown-up kids from our previous marriages, so on paper it’s a match made in heaven.

The issue I have is with her three daughters, who are quite spoiled and very demanding. It means her life revolves around keeping them happy or keeping the peace. It’s a full-time job!

They stay a lot, often turning up with no warning. They take over the house with their dramas, whether it’s over boys, friendships, money or a fight.

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We don’t spend much time together because we work full-time so evenings and weekends are important. I’ve lost count of the times we’ve had to change our plans because of them.

My kids are independent and drama-free. But both my son and my daughter try to stay away from the chaos here.

I’ve been thinking about proposing to my partner but there’s all this stuff in the background. What do you think?

Coleen says

I think you need to flex your empathy muscle. It’s great your kids are independent but ­children are all different and it’s a mistake to compare.

Also, could some of their behaviour be down to their parents’ divorce? Maybe they’re still feeling the effects and your partner is overcompensating as a result and giving in more.

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There are probably complex emotions at play here. It might help to talk to your partner about that and delve deeper.

It’s never seamless when you blend families. There’s a lot of emotional baggage on both sides, so compromise and communication are crucial.

The only way to move forward is to talk about it with honesty but also empathy.

Maybe you could agree on some boundaries when it comes to your free time – for example, reserve a day a week where it’s just the two of you for a date. And maybe let both sets of kids know that while they’re always welcome, a heads up on when they plan to turn up would be helpful.

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It’s about everyone respecting each other’s space and time, and working out where the line is.

It sounds like your partner’s daughters need her more right now, but that won’t always be the case. And maybe planning a wedding would be exciting for everyone and help to bring you all closer?

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